


Abnegation

by QueenPotatos



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, angst with happy ending, day 6 : Knights, riharuweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22036642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPotatos/pseuds/QueenPotatos
Summary: At war, there's no place for feelings.Especially when it concerns the Prince.Especially when you're his personal Knight.RinHaru Week, day 6 : Knights
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka
Comments: 7
Kudos: 41
Collections: Rin & Haru Week





	Abnegation

**Author's Note:**

> Again Eos helped me with the beta, thank you again <3

* * *

The war had been going on for a couple of months now; Haru couldn’t say he missed the tumult of the capital, the crowded streets, the incessant coming and going of the palace but the princess wouldn’t agree with him. Gou was playing the harp in her room, the window opened to the immensity of the French gardens. It was neither warm nor cold, or even sunny outside, nothing particular about that day and that’s exactly why Haru hated it. He got ants in his pants. They hadn’t had any news for a couple of days. The King and his wife were said to be safe in the other part of the country and so was his father, right hand of the King and knight of the royal family.

Just like him.

“Haruka, are you alright? Did you see anything?”

“Be reassured, my lady,” He hadn’t realized he’d been staring too long at the horizon, probably looking for Rin and his horse without thinking. “There is nothing to be worried about.”

He had been charged with the Royal offsprings’ security. They were only a dozen people here in this small castle; their presence alone, so far away from their home was just one of the symptoms of the gravity of the situation. To think some of his friends were risking their lives, to think some were already dead…

“Oh, Rin is coming back from the hunt. Looks like we’re having wild board again.”

Haru waited until he was sure Rin was unharmed to come down and welcomed him. Of course, the Prince and heir to the throne didn’t go alone into the woods; his best friend, Yamazaki Sousuke, a noble and suitor to Gou’s hand, went everywhere with him. The three of them had known each others since times Haru couldn’t remember, but he was told the same nurse used to change their swaddling clothes.

Rin’s horse stopped just when he reached Haru. Sousuke was holding their dinner for tonight proudly on his back.

“Anything suspicious?”

Sousuke sighed as he passed by them, “No, nothing. Stop worrying everyone and especially her highness, it’s not good for her health.”

Haru sent him a cold glance, that Rin’s friend ignored – but not the Prince.

“Stop quarrelling. The whole country is at war, at least I’d like my home to have a bit of peace if it’s not too much to ask.”

Haru came at attention immediately, “Yes, sorry your Highness.”

“Haru,” Rin put his dirty hand on his pristine armour, “We talked about this.”

They had known each other for years, ever since they were old enough to hold a sword but since Haru had become a knight, his knight, he had put his honour on treating Rin as he should, as his Prince, and future King.

Rin didn’t really like the lack of proximity they used to have, contrary to Haru – but the knight had his own reasons. It was easier to forget his feelings for Rin when they had to act distant. It had been his way of coping for so long he didn’t even remember when it all started, probably at the age hormones took over boys and turned them into men. Haru had witnessed every step that made Rin into the Prince he was today, all the obstacles he had overcome to make him stronger, wiser, witnessed as the years made him grow into the beautiful man he had the chance – and duty – to protect every day. There was no one he trusted more to be their future King, and each time Haru stole a glance, a surge of hope rose in his chest, hope and admiration that he quickly hid away from curious eyes. He knew he had no right to feel this way. He wasn’t even a noble, and he was a man after all; when the war would be over Rin would marry a princess just as beautiful as him and they would have a dozen of beautiful children to perpetuate the Matsuoka name, and Haru had no place in there.

Rin was a sun, and he would always be in his shadow to make sure he’d shine forever.

It was a place that suited him well, the one he had chosen years ago, and there wasn’t anything that could make him prouder.

Sometimes the princess would catch him staring. Gou shared Rin’s delicate traits and beautiful hair, long eyelids and pale skin. Behind her sweet behaviour she also knew very well what she wanted, and wasn’t afraid to make it known – her presence here with her brother was another of her ‘whims’ as her mother would say, but Gou had been stubborn to the point her parents had to bend to her wishes. Haru tried to be as present with her as with Rin but she often sent him away. Sometimes, he wondered if she had him figured out. Although he tried to remain as subtle as possible, the task proved itself to be quite impossible with how impossible it was not to love Rin. Knights needed a certain degree of devotion to the royal family, but Haru had certainly reached its peak.

“I envy you, sometimes.” Gou told him, her head lazily leaned on her harp. Her gaze was lost in the gardens again where Sousuke and Rin were having a chat while brushing their horses. “And sometimes, I don’t.”

He had no idea of what she was referring too.

They hadn’t had any news for a whole week. As a man of war, Haru knew it wasn’t good – just as Sousuke and Rin, they were ready to leave or fight at any moment. They had reduced the household to a minimum to this effect, and days were filled with housework, making them longer and with less time to rest, less time to idle and spare, less time to be with Rin and not the Prince. Haru didn’t like it, he could feel the danger lurking under his skin and even at night, sleep came with more difficulty than he would have liked to.

One of those moment of respite occurred past midnight. It seemed neither him or Rin managed to find Morpheus’ arms; the Prince stood on his balcony with a glass of wine, pensive, Haru joined him with his sword in hand as if an irresistible force led him to Rin.

“The night is clear.” Rin said; and indeed Haru didn’t remember seeing that many stars since they arrived.

“It’s pretty silent too.”

“Do you think it’s a good omen? Or a bad one. The calm before the storm…” Rin sipped some wine. “Sei isn’t back, he’s two days late. What do you think? Honestly.”

It was a hard truth but Haru knew Rin must be thinking the same, to ask him so openly. “He must have been caught. Chances are high that the enemy now knows where we are.” 

“Sousuke and I share the same point of view. We’ll be leaving tomorrow.” Rin turned to him, his skin appeared even paler enlightened by the moonlight, which made the sight even more breathtaking. “I have a request. If anything happens, stay with Gou.”

“No.” Came his immediate answer, and Haru could only bite on his tongue for replying without thinking. How dare he disobey his Prince’s orders to begin with?

“Haru, she’s the most precious thing to me,” there was no accusation in his voice, a detail Haru found reassuring. He never wanted to make Rin mad, or for him to find out his blasphemous feelings. “I won’t be able to find peace if I don’t know she’s with the person I trust the most.”

“Rin…”

“You know I trust you with my life. And I can handle myself well, we’re almost equals when it comes to sword fighting.”

“I beg your pardon, but you’re the heir to the throne, and you father asked me to protect you. You’re a priority, to the crown, the country, and to me.”

“Gosh Haru I know what my father thinks about this!” Rin pinched the bridge of his nose, visibly annoyed with the turn the conversation was taking, “I’m asking this as a friend. I don’t know what I would do if anything happens to her, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“And I’ll never forgive myself if anything happens to you as well, Rin; as a friend,” Haru knelt in front of his Prince, “Let me stay with you. Sousuke is a fine soldier as well, he will protect her just as well as me.” And Haru knew how much it was true, since the noble had obvious feelings for the princess, he knew how much love could make you stronger, bolder, more prone to sacrifice himself for the one he loved.

“Sousuke is bound to do something stupid just to show her his devotion, I don’t want him to take any risks. He’s not a knight like you, he doesn’t know how to differentiate duty from personal feelings.” Haru had to turn his face to hid his blush, biting his lips; if only Rin knew he’d crossed the line so many years ago.

“I’ll die for you.” The words he thought in his head weren’t supposed to pass the barrier of his lips but they did, with the worst timing and then Haru didn’t know how to breathe anymore. God, what a stupid thing to say, of course it was part of his duty but did he have to say them with such abnegation?

He felt before he saw Rin kneeling in front of him. His hand found his face, and forced them to meet their eyes. Haru could still feel his cheek burning from his previous words, and it went even worse at the warm contact Rin’s palm offered. 

“Never say that again. I forbid you to die for me.”

Haru would have liked to say he didn’t really have the power to decide on that matter, but there was something shining in Rin’s eyes that cut the air out of his lungs. Maybe it was the wine – it was surely the wine – but a part of Haru’s heart, the one that had been longing for Rin for so long, liked to think it was something else.

“There, you’re forbidden to die at all. Who would protect me after I become King if you do? No one can replace you, understand?”

Haru felt his heart swell and ache, his eyes were itching but he blinked the tears away. “I understand.”

Rin took his arm in his grip, firmly, “I am not kidding. I can’t see myself on the throne without you by my side. We’ve been together for so long Haru, if you ever were to disappear I don’t know how I would live through it.”

Haru was glad he was kneeling because he sure couldn’t quite feel his legs at the present moment – also, he had to concentrate on something else than Rin, his eyes, his lips, not to lean in and kiss him passionately like he had done so many times in his dreams. “I’m not irreplaceable, there are plenty of good knights that are worth my skills.”

“But I won’t trust them like I trust you.”

“You’ll learn to.” Haru remembered they hadn’t always been on good terms, it took them time to adjust around the other.

“You can’t replace years of growing up together!” Rin was getting heated again, his voice was raising in his high. It was terrifying how Haru knew him by heart. “Anyway, this is not the point because nothing bad is going to happen. Just stay with Gou when we’ll move to the other castle.”

“Rin-“

“It’s an order.”

And in the blink of an eye Rin became the Prince again, his hand fell from his arm, an abyss separated them and they weren’t childhood friends anymore. Haru couldn’t blame him, couldn’t blame Rin because he had been the one to first put this distance between them. After all, there was no other way. Be by each other’s side for as long as they could have was the best option he’d got. There would never be more.

“Yes your Highness.” Haru stood up, didn’t look behind as he left. “I’ll prepare the horses.”

The bad news they were anxiously expecting came before dawn. The King was dead, their hiding place had been found, and troops were encroaching on them. They had very little time.

“No!” Rin was shouting as they got ready, they hadn’t told Gou anything yet so that she could prepare without being interfered with sorrow. “We stick to the plan. You stay with Gou.”

“Rin you’re insane!” Haru would have almost hold him by the collar and pin him against a wall out of anger, “You’re the King now!” he muttered, to not spread the bad news, “You’re my absolute priority.”

“I ordered you to stay with Gou and you will.”

“Haruka, I’ll take care of Rin, don’t you trust me?”

Haru looked back where Sousuke was standing, wondering why he agreed to such foolishness. His heart was beating so fast in his chest, everything was happening so fast, he had never been so afraid of letting Rin out of his sight.

But he had to admit Sousuke was perhaps as good as him with a sword, and his loyalty to Rin was unquestionable. He was the only other human being Haru would trust Rin with.

Since he was just a knight after all, he had to obey. He could find consolation in the small things they gave him to hold onto. “Okay. But Rin, we’ll have to have a talk after this.”

“Request accepted. Now, get on your horse, we’re leaving.”

It rained cats and dogs during the whole trip. It seemed Rin had had some kind of vision because as soon as they reached the forest the lightning scared the horses and they took different paths. As ordered, Haru did his best to stay with Gou and her companions. They fell in an ambush a couple of miles later and Haru could defeat all the smugglers, not without difficulties. But more importantly, Gou was fine, scared but in one piece. He had kept his promise to Rin.

The place Rin had chosen to stay was more of a big mansion than a castle. Closer to the Capital, it would be easier for them to come back and announce Rin’s ascension when time would permit. The rain was still pouring when they set foot in the courtyard. As soon as they saw her Highness the household rushed to her side; Haru trotted to Sousuke who hadn’t stared away since he caught sight of him. His pace slowed down. He didn’t like the look on his face. Oh, no, he didn’t like it at all.

He almost couldn’t hear his voice when eventually Sousuke spoke.

Rin had fell off his horse and had hit his head on the ground.

“There was nothing you could have done to avoid it.” Was all Haru heard from all his blabbering – where was Rin? Was he alright? Haru ran to the door and took the stairs, guessing that the rooms would be on the first floor without really knowing where he was going. Sousuke was running after him.

“First one of your left.” He shouted, before turning back to Gou who had just arrived, drenched.

“What happened?” She asked, only worry in her eyes.

Sousuke sighed.

Rin’s pale skin had upgraded to an even whiter level, so much it made it difficult to distinguish where the sheets ended and where Rin’s face started. His red, beautiful hair were partially hidden with bandages, some already tainted with royal blood. Haru remained at the doorstep for a while, his eyes fixed on Rin’s visible torso just to make sure he was still breathing regularly. He looked peaceful, more than anything. Peacefully asleep. Asleep meant alive.

He walked a couple of step before crumbling at the end of the bed then crawled until he reached Rin’s side, hand shaking as it dared to touch his beloved King. Fingers brushed past his cheek, cold as marble, eyes staying tightly shut.

“Rin…” the name left his lips in a breath, that was all he could manage when his heart was screaming inside his chest. It wasn’t possible. This ought to be a nightmare, just the day before they were talking about the world they would build together, Rin couldn’t let him down, Rin didn’t have the right to-

“Oh no! Brother!”

Gou ran to his side and Haru let go of Rin. He went back on his feet and let the princess have her moment with her brother, but his whole body was aching to rush by his side again, to lie with him in the bed and hold him close again his chest until he woke up.

A hand on his shoulder took him out of his turmoil. Sousuke. 

“The doctor says he’s in coma. There’s no way to tell when he’s going to wake up, but his days aren’t in danger.”

Haru curled his fist but his face remained the same, completely empty of any kind of emotion except for despair. The hand never left his shoulder.

“I know this is not the best time, but we need to hold a war meeting as soon as possible.”

During that time Haru couldn’t find his voice, only nodding with acceptance when his advice was required. He couldn’t think of anything else than the sight of Rin, half dead, covered with white sheets and the blood in his head, as if time had frozen the moment the sight reached his retina. There wasn’t anything else that mattered. If Rin were to die then, nothing else would ever matter.

His feet brought him to Rin’s room once the meeting was over. Sousuke had followed him, or the opposite, he wasn’t quite sure, to be honest it was a miracle he was still standing on his legs when his whole world was crumbling under his feet.

“I think he would have wanted you to guard his room.” Sousuke told him as he opened the door. “You were the one he esteemed the most, remember that.”

Haru nodded weakly, thinking that people only tend to speak that sort of comforting truth when it was too late. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, because it wasn’t too late for Rin, was it?

The first night Haru didn’t sleep. He took a chair and sat just next to Rin’s bed, his eyes never leaving his face just in case he would open his eyes. The tiny bit of hope he had eroded little by little as the others nights came and were filled with absolutely no improvement on Rin’s part. The doctor said it could take time but couldn’t say how much and it was starting to drive everyone crazy. Councillors were talking about alternatives, to give the power to the Queen until Gou came off age and find a suitable husband with royal blood, which was turning Sousuke even more crazy since he couldn’t explode in front of them, him being only a noble.

A week after the incident Haru found his voice again. He sat on Rin’s bed. Wind was blowing softly in the room, making the white curtain float in the room. It smelt of lavender, the mansion being surrounded by large lavender fields. It was quiet except for the cicadas, it was perfect, it was everything he had asked for – peaceful, quiet, a moment suspended in time just for him and Rin.

“Hey, Rin, it’s time to wake up.” He murmured. His hand came on his temple where the bandage started, free of blood, “You’ve slept long enough now. Everyone is waiting for you.”

He knew they were truly alone. He would have heard anyone walking near the door. Haru had turned into a ball of nerves, had barely slept at all and the bags under his eyes were turning as blue as his irises, so much he was on edge and hyper aware of everything at any given time. The only times when he let himself go was during moments like this, when he had Rin for himself. He let go, mentally and physically, lying next to him with his face secured in the crook of his neck.

Sometimes, he cried.

Haru didn’t remember the last time he had cried that much. It might have never occurred in his life before. Certainly not like this. Never like this.

“You said you would rule the world with me by your side. You said I couldn’t die because you didn’t know how to go on without me and look at you now. What am I supposed to do now? Rin tell me! How am I supposed to go on without you?” Tears of anger ran down his cheek to the sheets, anger directed at Rin but mostly at himself, for not being there. Even if deep inside he knew Sousuke’s words were true, Haru couldn’t erase that little voice in his mind, murmuring that if only he would have been there, Rin wouldn’t have fallen. This was insane, and wrong, but the guilt grew stronger with each day Rin remained asleep.

Haru never thought being heartbroken would hurt so much.

During his insomnia Haru often found refuge in Rin’s room. He came there one night. After the tears had dried, he spoke to him again, as if he could hear him through his dreams.

He heard someone coming from the opposite side of the door. Haru put his hand on the handle of his blade and walked closer.

“Haruka? Is that you?”

Haru sighed in relief when he recognized Gou’s voice. She was holding a candle, her hair was in a long braid running down on her right shoulder, bow matching her light pink nightdress. 

“I heard some noise, I thought he had… you know.” She looked down on the floor between her feet and Haru’s. It looked like she had something on her mind, so Haru didn’t move before he was asked to. He was about to suggest he should leave her alone with her brother when she took his wrist with her free hand.

“Listen. This is, heartbreaking to me but, you have to hear this, in case… you know.” Her eyes raised to meet his. “Haru, there was no one my brother loved more than you. Since you were kids, all he could do was talk about you, about your skill, about your eyes, about how it made him feel alive when you fought. He would have given anything for you to stay by his side forever. And I don’t think he would want to see any other pair of eyes than yours when he wakes up. You’re his…he truly loves you, has always have. So, please, stay by his side, this is what will make him happier.”

Hot tears were silently running down his cheeks, blurring his vision. Haru ignored them. He brought his fist to his heart. “Yes your Highness.”

“Good. I’ll go back to my room now.”

Haru bowed, and long after Gou had gone, he rested his head on Rin’s door and kept crying, hearing the words he had longed for so long in his head again, repeating them until they made their way inside his bones, devastated that they were spoken at the worst time of all.

His cheeks were still wet when he went back inside. Haru took his place back at Rin’s side, his hand on the side of his face. He linked their foreheads.

“The first thing I want you to know, after you wake up, is that you’re an idiot.” Just as much as he was, probably. He sniffed, emotions running back to his eyes faster now that he was staring at Rin’s impassive face again, “And then, only then, I’ll tell you how much you mean to me.”

He remained there for quite a long time until his breathing synced with Rin’s, until his scent invaded him. Haru left at dawn. He passed by Gou’s room to find her asleep with the candle still burning. He crossed the distance to her bed, and before he blew, he couldn’t help but notice he hadn’t been the only one crying.

A couple of days later their situation got reversed. Gou was knocking on his door. She was wearing her nightdress again, with her night braid not yet undone by her attendant. Her eyes were bright with recent tears, but so was her smile.

“He’s asking for you.” She said, her voice soft and barely audible, as if she couldn’t quite believe it herself.

Haru had the impression of déjà-vu when he walked back to Rin’s room; it had the same unpleasant feeling as the first day he came here, when he had learned of Rin’s injury. It was like walking in a dream until he could witness with his own eyes that Rin was, indeed, awake and fine.

The bandage was still around his head but for sure, he was awake, sitting in his bed. Shoulders and neck proud and firm, eyes alert; he was still as pale as the sheets but god, he was speaking, and smiling, and his eyes were open and-

Would they have been alone, Haru would have run to his side and held him, tightly, against him. He would have cried tears of joy, and perhaps even kiss him if he were bold enough. But Sousuke and other members of the council were there, rejoicing and Haru couldn’t blame them for that. He saw the relief on Sousuke’s features, and for the first time in ages both shared a warm smile.

His heart skipped a beat when Rin asked the be left alone with him. Suddenly, all the things he had endured resurfaced, the words he told him during a moment of intense pain and, even if he did not regret them – not a single one of them – the memory alone was enough to colour his cheeks with pale pink. Embarrassed at being so flustered by so little, Haru tried to maintain his composure by gazing at absolutely everything in the room but Rin, at least until the others left. Then, he took a deep breath and-

“Come here.”

In an instant Haru sat where he had been sitting so many times the previous days – and nights – and they fell into a warm embrace, “Gosh, I couldn’t wait. I can’t begin to wonder how worried I got you. I’m deeply sorry, Haru.” Rin laughed a bit, putting his chin on top of Haru’s shoulder, “To think I got injured by my own stupidity. Even you couldn’t have done something about that though.”

“We will never have an answer to that, because your stupidity decided that you didn’t need me.”

“Haru, I’ll always need you.”

“Fate showed us what happens when I’m not there to protect you.” Haru affectionately hit his skull, but not too hard of course. It didn’t prevent Rin to pretend to fall into coma again, to which Haru smiled; it didn’t strike him until now that he hadn’t done so since they left the castle. “I missed you.”

“Don’t you hate me?”

Puzzled, Haru detached himself from Rin’s embrace, frowning. 

“I…I know you, okay? You must have thought nothing of the sort would have happened if I hadn’t been this stubborn in first place.”

“Do you want me to hit your head again?” Haru threatened. “I think there’s still a large amount of stupidity inside, and it’s not compatible with your future endeavours.”

Rin laughed again and for the first time since he’d awakened, Haru took the chance to look at him properly; he had lost some weight, his skin was still pale except under his eyes where it was, surprisingly, a bit purple. Yet he was still the most beautiful man Haru had the chance to lay his gaze on. Something warm rose in his chest, the same thing that made the corner of his eyes wet but he chose to ignore that part. He’d cried enough, and he certainly didn’t want to worry Rin about this. Knowing him, he probably already hated himself for causing such pain and sorrow to the person he loved.

Gou’s words resonated in his ears again and another wave of heat reached his cheeks, forcing him to look down again – which turned out to be a bad idea. He hadn’t realized their hands were so close. What harm could result in taking it after all? There were just the two of them. His fingers buzzed; Rin’s hand was literally at arm’s reach and was his to take and yet, something forced him to remain still as ice – was it fear, or his sense of duty?

“Regarding that matter I have something to ask you.”

Haru blinked. He had lost the thread of the conversation with how fixated he was on Rin.

“I heard that your father made it okay. I’m glad to hear that, he’s one of the best swordsmen we've ever had in the country. But… I’m afraid I’ll have to find him another position.”

“What?” Haru snapped, did he really want to dismiss him for having lost that battle?

“He can’t be the King’s right arm anymore since I already have one.”

It took a while for Haru’s tired head to understand what was truly happening.

“Oh. Hum. I accept?”

“I wasn’t asking. I told you I needed you by my side, that’s still the case. Fate showed us what happens when you aren't there to protect me, didn’t it?”

Like every brutal change, be it for the better or worse, everything was happening so fast Haru could barely realize it was real. King Toraichi II was dead. Rin had been badly injured but survived. He was going to be the King, and he wanted him by his side.

Rin loved him. Actually, with how stupid they both were they had probably been in love for years and had never done anything about it.

His hand was at arm’s reach.

“Hm, excuse me?” Sousuke peaked his head inside, “Reinforcements just arrived, some of them want to see you, especially Duke Kirishima.”

Haru put in hand back in his lap, and didn’t miss how Rin watched the movement subtly. There would be another time to be sentimental. For now, Rin needed rest.

He sighed nonetheless. “Let them in. I guess I can only comply after all the trouble I caused. Haru, see you later? For our daily sword train-“

Haru hit him on the head again. “Next time you say something this stupid again I’ll finish what Fate started, understand?” He stood up and joined Sousuke to the door. “But I’ll come back to check you get the rest you need.”

“Yes mom.” Rin replied, which cost him another cold glare; yet Haru was smiling when he eventually left them.

Sousuke waited until he was gone to step inside. “You look kind of nostalgic. Something the matter?”

“Oh, not really,” Rin had a funny look on his face, happy and sad at the same time, something Sousuke couldn’t quite pinpoint. “I thought he had something important to tell me. But I guess this would have to wait for another time.”

And then, his secretive, brilliant smile was back; when he was in this sort of mood there was nothing that could stop Rin, he was, purely, irresistible.

A couple of months later they won the war, and Rin was crowned King with Haru as his right hand. They stood side by side during the ceremony, their hands brushing past each other’s. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This closes my entry for Rh week this year ! Hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.


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